I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
