So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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