Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
