It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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