When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
