I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize