No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
