My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
