I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
