highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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