My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
