the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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