I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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