Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
