If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize