So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
