I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
