Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
