matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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