Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
