He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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