She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
