i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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