I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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