I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
