Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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