you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
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