that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
