She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
