I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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