It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
