I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
