mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just high enough for therapy.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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