so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
