dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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