how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
