this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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