I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
