Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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