Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
