I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
