Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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