i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
