Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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