Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She's JV to your varsity
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
