I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i love accidental penises.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
