there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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