she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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