wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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