So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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