Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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