i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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