I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
