I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
