The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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