Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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