You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
