i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
