Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
